


The Lasagna Fic

by callmemaevey



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Crack, Gen, bitch lasagna, don't take this seriously, i did my part, subscribe to pewdiepie
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-19
Updated: 2018-12-19
Packaged: 2019-09-22 19:31:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,082
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17065739
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/callmemaevey/pseuds/callmemaevey
Summary: Originally posted on Amino.Phan crack starring memes, Pewdiepie, Bitch Lasagna, 9-year-olds, and 🅱-series.





	The Lasagna Fic

**Author's Note:**

> jello `v` my first crack! wait, that sounded wrong... hope you enjoy it though. try to spot the references as well ;>

          It was a normal night…or morning, honestly Dan can’t tell. He looked at the time and-oh, it was already 2:03 AM. Morning then. Dan rubbed his eyes. He just realized how tired he was. His eyes were feeling very dry. More so than when him and Phil had the staring contest for the grand finale of Dan vs. Phil. He cracked his knuckles. He was tired but he decided that it won’t deter him from scrolling through the #furry tag through Tumblr. For scientific purposes of course. The craftsmanship that goes to making those fursuits are…damn. Dan thought that if they didn’t end DanandPhilCrafts with that mildly satanic ritual, they could shoot an episode about making a fursuit. Maybe they could base it on their scalesonas. Wait, do those count as furries or no? Dan doesn’t mean to be a non-intellectual. He hasn’t watched Rick and Morty in a while so his IQ dropped a little.

             Dan sighs back into his pillows and snuggles his Haru bodypillow closer. He makes a note in his mind to ask Phil if they can rewatch some Rick and Morty episodes later when they have breakfast. Dan’s stomach grumbled at the thought of breakfast. He wanted cereals and he wanted them now. He pushed his laptop aside and flopped his noodle limbs to get out of bed. He admired the crease that he made on the pillows for a while before trudging to the kitchen. Dan suddenly stopped when he heard rustling. He suddenly had an inkling of what was happening in the kitchen. He tiptoed back to his room, careful not to step on the creaky parts of the floor. He knew where they were from when he has those darn existential-crises and just crumple on the floor. He grabbed his phone and went back. If his suspicions were correct, he would be able to take another proof of Phil stealing his cereal. The shame Phil will go through, oh just thinking about it makes his chins multiply. If not…then he’ll find comfort in knowing that he’ll be able to catch his killer on camera.

          The first thing Dan saw was the silver crown bopping to a rhythm. It was fucking Phil. Munching on his Crunchy Nut. That sounded so wrong.

          “ _Phil._ ” Dan said in his most disappointed boyfriend tone. Platonically. “Are you eating my fucking cereal?” he asked/said, stating the obvious.

          “Dan! You scared me!” Phil dropped Dan’s Crunchy Nut.

          “OMG my Crunchy Nut!” Dan screamed. “Phil!”

           “I’m sorry, I swear I’m gonna replace it.” Phil said sincerely. “BUT AM I GONNA?”

          “Excuse me?”

           Phil just dabbed and squatted on him. Dan did his most WTF face. He then noticed what Phil was wearing: black oversized jumper and black sweatpants with some kind of design that Dan personally thinks is ok…he guesses.

          “Phil…is that…”

          “Pewdiepie merch? I’m glad you know about it biatch.”

          “It is? I was gonna say is that all black you’re wearing because that’s so not you.”

         “ **[DISAPPOINTED].** ” Phil screamed while doing the Floss dance.

          Dan cringed but couldn’t help what fell next from his lips. “ _Oh that’s hot, that’s hot._ ”

          Suddenly, Phil was in front of his face and crowding him against the counter. Phil leaned closer to him until his lips were next to Dan’s ear.

          “Hey Dan,” Phil crooned and it took all Dan’s willpower not to scream “ _YES DADDY_ ” right then and there.

         “ _ **Subscribe to Pewdiepie.**_ ”

          Dan felt his age regressing to 9 and hate for 🅱-series and unreliable media outlets. Then he blacked out.

-

          Dan woke up to the smell of tomato sauce and pasta. He was on a chair but the chair was flat. Not like any other chair. He felt like it had lumbar support and very nice design. He recommends. Only 399.

          “Can you do this?“ was all Dan uttered before he fell off of it. Thankfully not on camera this time. He could only take so much shame. Before the floor can magnetize him to lie face down on it, Phil helped him up while wearing oven mittens and more Pewdiepie merch.

           “Come Daniel.” Phil said as he led him to their dining table where there was freshly baked lasagna. Dan felt his mouth water in curiosity.

          “You cooked lasagna?”

          “Bitch lasagna.” Phil nodded grimly. “Sit down Dan, we will begin your initiation.”

          “Initiation?” Dan questioned but Phil only gave him a look that said “Shhhtffckkppp”.

           Phil cut a piece of the lasagna and put it on a plate infront of Dan. Dan just stared at it. Phil didn’t give him any fork. “Am I supposed to eat this with my hands?”

           Phil hmmm-ed and his face contorted thoughtfully at Dan. Dan was so confused until he felt something deep inside. His blood was boiling and he felt the power of 77 million other nine-year-olds with him. His hands were shaking and taking their rightful place on top of the lasagna. Phil noticed this and put on his hood and epic glasses. He cleared his throat and clapped twice.

          Dan suddenly felt an unbelievable urge to play a song on the lasagna. But how was it possible? He didn’t know. That was, until he did it.

           He touched the lasagna gently and to the beat. It’s meaty sauce splattered on the table. Phil rapped like _god merch_. Dan felt Pewdiepie’s subscribe button getting violated each time he delivers the sick beats on the lasagna.

         “ ** _PHIL I LOVE THIS SO MUCH!_** ” He surrendered his senses to the 9-year-old anthem and bopped his head as the chorus approached. He felt the lasagna getting hotter from the sick roasts. Phil was doing the choreography of the song so perfectly, harmonizing with Dan on the lyrics. The sub bots are quaking.

          They reached the last part of the song when their overlord Pewdiepie appeared and sang with them, ending the song with a melodic “ _Sub bot!_ ”

         Dan panted from the epicness of what he just did. He looked up at his senpai in blonde hair. “You have legs…” Dan wondered aloud.

          “Obviously you dummy. That’s why I can JUMP INTO IT!” Pewds said and dabbed. Dan cringed. Still better than Youtube Rewind though. “I’m proud of you Phil.” Pewds said while caressing Dan’s cheek.

         “I’m Dan.”

         “Yeah, I can never tell the difference.” Then he disappeared.

          “Dan you did it.” Phil stared at him in awe as Dan stared at his lasagna covered hands.

         “Was it worth it?”

         " **Everything.** "


End file.
